Listen-and-check reset
Show what you heard before you answer
They finish speaking and your answer is already lined up. Before you give it, say back the part you think hurt. Let them correct that account first.
Before you start
Make sure this fits the moment
- Best used when
- One live issue has been spoken, neither person is being intimidated, and you can hear a correction without turning it into another argument.
- Not for
- Active shouting, an interrogation, forced disclosure, retaliation risk, or using a polished reflection to earn the right to dismiss what was said.
Take it in order
The repair
- 01
Take one piece
Stay with the issue that was just raised. If the story is still unfolding, ask whether they can give you the main part in a minute or two. They are allowed to say no.
- 02
Say what you think landed
Use one or two sentences. Name the event and the impact you heard. Leave out a diagnosis, a verdict about either person, and your rebuttal.
- 03
Let them correct you, then decide
Ask whether you caught the main thing. If you missed it, try once more. Then ask whether they want your answer, help with the problem, or a pause. Hearing them does not require agreement.
Change the words to sound like you
A line to borrow if you need one
Check what you heard
“Before I answer, let me check I heard you. The part that hurt was ____. Did I get the main thing, or did I miss it?”
When you cannot listen cleanly yet
“I am getting defensive, and I do not want to fake listening. Can we pause and try again at eight?”
Watch-outs
What will make this worse
- Do not paraphrase like a lawyer building the next counterargument.
- Do not say ‘I hear you’ and attach a rebuttal to the same breath.
- Reflect the impact without repeating a claim you believe is untrue as though you agree with it.
- If they do not want to continue, stop. A good reflection does not entitle you to more conversation.