← Back to Repair
Two short scripts
Vent or solve? Say what you need first
Sometimes the topic is not what starts the fight. You want comfort; they hear a problem to solve. Tell them which kind of help you need before you tell the whole story.
Before you start
Make sure this fits the moment
- Best used when
- You are about to bring something up and both of you are calm enough to choose how the conversation begins.
- Not for
- An active fight, baiting, retaliation risk, or any situation where disclosure is used against you.
Take it in order
The repair
- 01
Know what you are asking for
Do you want to be heard, or do you want help finding an answer? Decide before you begin.
- 02
Tell them before the story
Use one sentence to say what would help. Let the full story wait until they know what you are asking of them.
- 03
Give it two minutes
Keep the first round short, then decide together whether to carry on.
Change the words to sound like you
A line to borrow if you need one
When you need listening
“Can I tell you something? I do not need a solution yet. I need you to listen for two minutes first—is that okay?”
When you want help solving
“I do want your help with this. Let me explain the problem first, then can we look at options together?”
Watch-outs
What will make this worse
- This is a request, not a test with a correct answer.
- If you ask them to listen, quiet attention has to be allowed to count as listening.
- Once the conversation becomes heated, stop and agree on when to return.