Effort Mismatch Self-Check

Before you check

Think about the last few weeks, not your worst fight. Mark what happens often enough to shape daily life. The answers will show a pattern; they will not settle who is right.

If you usually raise the problem

• I am usually the one to bring up distance or start a repair conversation.
• I worry that if I stop raising it, nothing will change.
• I send the article, book the session or remember what we said we would try.
• I sometimes miss the care my partner shows because it arrives in a different form.

If you usually want the pressure to ease

• I need time to know what I feel and get lost when a conversation comes fast.
• I do practical things that I believe show care, but they are rarely noticed.
• I dread another discussion in which I seem to be failing before I speak.
• I sometimes call an unresolved issue “over” because I want peace.

What the answers cannot tell you

One partner can initiate every talk while the other carries most of the household. Both may feel alone for good reasons. Do not use this check to rename a real workload gap as a difference in “styles.” Ask who actually notices, plans, follows through and returns to repair.

If you both recognise the chase and retreat, start with one present problem. Let the person who raises it say what needs to change. Let the person who feels criticised describe the effort that has gone unseen. Then decide who owns a concrete part of the next step.