We Are Fine Except for Sex

The bills are paid. You can make plans together. You may even laugh at dinner. Then bedtime comes and the same distance is waiting. “We are fine except for sex” can be an honest description of a marriage with one painful gap. It can also be the phrase that keeps you from looking at what the gap is doing to both of you.

For one spouse, sex may be a way of feeling chosen, playful and close. For the other, it may now carry pressure, fatigue, resentment or the fear of another difficult conversation. The frequency alone will not tell you which marriage you are in. Some couples have little sex and plenty of warmth; others have sex and still feel unwanted or obliged.

Look beyond the tally

Look beyond the tally. Can you touch without it becoming a request? Can either of you speak honestly about sex without punishment? Is the work of the household fairly carried? Does the person who is hurting get an answer beyond “you are making too much of it”?

Sexual intimacy is a shared part of marriage. Ignoring a long stretch of rejection or one-sided initiation can damage the bond. So can trying to win sex through guilt, pressure or a fairness argument. If you both still want to find each other, begin with what sex has come to mean in this marriage, and listen long enough to hear a difficult answer.

Frequency cannot answer the important questions by itself. The more revealing signs are whether touch can be free, a no can be safe, longing can be spoken without shame and the ongoing gap belongs to both people.